Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Catercrombie & Fish
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night