waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You Might Also Like
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.