Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food