my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
FRED: right
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Support your local cemetery
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE