I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Breaking news:
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!