My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
When can I start eating bats again.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀