If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Well, this explains it:
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water