ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast