Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
do horses think humans are hats
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
🤣🤣🤣
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN