Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.