Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
You Might Also Like
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?