Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered