date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
#gardening
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Oceanography is all about current events
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Thursday Thought.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.