Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
God has abandoned us.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.