If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
You Might Also Like
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Good morning
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
this is how life feels
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet