Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?