My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.