My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.