Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Ghost costume 😂
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.