Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed