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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Ironic
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
This kid is a star!
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.