If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You better watch out
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I have so many questions.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed