Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
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Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Love this one 😂🧟
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating