“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Weighing up my bread heating options
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
What if all the cashiers are married?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep