The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
TRAIN’S HERE
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed