Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
You Might Also Like
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
(more comics:
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available