i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
there has never been a better use of this meme
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”