While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer