I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
excuse me
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.