Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101