new year update: losing everything but weight
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
live, laugh, laundry.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin