Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me