Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
2 years later
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy