[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You Might Also Like
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Don’t touch that.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years