Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters