Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning