Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.