[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Time heals everything 🙂
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Some people were born into their job.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.