Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
how to have fun when you’re poor