The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
wishing you and yours all the best
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
early stone age tool
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.