“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Sign at work today
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
best review i’ve ever seen
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed