I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety