[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I came this close!!!!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Canadian owl: Eh?