[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET