If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.