Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Yoga Matt
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”