A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Worth the read.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust