Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
not to brag, but mine was free
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork