[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed