Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Möther may I have a snäck
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
When can I start eating bats again.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat